Have you ever logged unto facebook to no little red notifications at the bottom of the screen? It's a heartbreaking feeling, is it not? Have you ever taken a quick glance at your profile only to notice that the only female writing on your wall on a consistent basis is your aunt, reminding you that statuses reading "I just want to fuck every girl in the world." are not appropriate? It does damage to one's self esteem, does it not? Finally, have you ever added a young lady only to find out that your best friend is a mutual friend of her's, and that she comments his pictures regularly? It kind of makes you want to screw face a nigga, does it not?
If you have answered yes to anything above, than this guide is for you.
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Part one: The Mutual stranger.
It happens to all of us but it got you by the heart. You were nonchalantly scanning the homepage in search of a familiar face, your eyes slid to the right, and your heart stopped. Inside of the tiny box in the upper corner, was a beautiful face. Underneath it read, "She doesn't know you. Add her anyway". So you did it. Three months, and forty visits to her page later, you've still yet to say anything. The only things that connected you were the seven mutual friends in the middle left. At parties you would see her from afar, you were only there because you had seen that she'd replied as "attending" to certain events. You'd half approach her several times, and maybe give her a meek "hello", and when you'd walk away, head down, she'd whisper to her friends about that weird kid from facebook who she doesn't actually know.
Fear not cuh. There is only one way to deal with mutual strangers, aggression.
Step one: Use mutual friends to your advantage. Before the add, you must do some investigating. Open up your aim box, and talk to that mutual friend, or two. Find out if she is actually an e-ho. If she is not, than do not proceed to step two. Instead, ask that mutual friend to suggest an e-ho. Facebook is not always so reliable with their suggestions.
Step two: Once you have confirmed that The Mutual stranger is an e-ho you must begin getting buzz. Now, be warned getting facebook buzz is not easy. It requires a lot of typing, and a lot of luck. First, write on that mutual friends wall, mention something that you are probably not actually going to do, but sounds cool. Next, add a friend of hers, preferably one who isn't all that attractive. Once the request has been accepted you really only have to do one thing, use the like button to your advantage. The Like button will be your closest friend during this entire guide, so prepare to use your mouse.
She posts a profile picture? You better like that shit. AND leave a nice comment, "I like your style! : )" even if you don't. Does she post a status saying, "He don't des3rv3 m3. Wa!t!n f0h my pr1nc3.", you better like that shit too. Say something about how yes, you men are scumbags. Any female who is scanning their mini-feed and happens to come across this particular status or photo that you've commented on will see how unlike other males you are, they will add you too. Their boyfriends will also add you because they will want to see just how you have the internet going nuts. This will get you buzz and e-ho's for many days to come.
Step Three: Hopefully that last step got you enough buzz to have the chosen Mutual Stranger comment on something that you've said. Now, you have every reason in the world to make this mutual stranger, just a stranger! You've come far. Now you get to add her.
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Part Two: The Friend Request
You worked very hard to get to this point. Actually you should be very proud of yourself, you've made a new friend who will end up benefiting you, and you've finally worked up the courage to add the once "Mutual Stranger". But don't let that confidence get to your head just yet, there is now very little room for error. Everything from this point on has to be precise. We, Hezekiah and Nya are your friends and would not steer you away from the goal. Trust in this guide and everything will be fine. Carry on.
Step one: Type her name in the search box as you have 137 times before. But this time instead of salivating over her pictures we ask that you press the add as friend button. Careful, we know that the add personal message option is tempting but you will have to refrain. It turns out that most people are not generally receptive of, "I have been watching you for awhile and have schemed in order to have a chance at you accepting this add. I love you, be my e-ho.". Just send the request, no extras.
Once you do this, there is really no going back and if you are not willing to follow the steps proceeding this one, do not bother. You see young reader, if you half-ass any of these steps, not only are you a pussy but, you will have a mutual stranger, as a friend, and she will likely think to herself when she see's you "whothefuckisthiskid?".We do not wish that upon you. Follow the guide.
Step Two: Assuming she accepts the add (which she will because you've got more buzz than a bee hive now) you have to wait a few days to make your move(s). Since you now have full access to her page, take a look around. Press that info button, see what she likes. Once you have memorized every song by all of her favorite artists, rented seasons of her favorite shows, and have studied her religion you can than choose to post a link. We find that a link to a music video (with lyrics written above by you) is always a good option. Choose a love song, we like "Nobody" by Keith Sweat. She is not guaranteed to comment this or "like" it. Carry on still.
Step Three: Sit at your computer for 26 hours straight. This seems drastic, I know. But you must memorize the times that she gets online. And also what she generally contributes to the feed. Once this has been done, you have earned yourself some rest. Go to sleep.
Step Four: After you've rested for approxiamately Eight or Nine hours you wil need to get up and go back on the computer. Since you've now memorized her facebook habits you really don't have to sit there all day, go get a drink. You deserve it at this point. However make sure to be at the computer 5 minutes before her regularly scheduled sign on, and 5 minutes after.
Step Five: Now exactly 3 minutes after she signs on, you're going to have to facebook IM her. Be chill about it though cuh, nothing throws an e-ho off like a "hello". You see a "hello" differs greatly from a "wassup girl". Assuming you've picked a TRUE e-ho, she's going to want a "wassup". "Hello" says I'm willing to just be a friend who you talk to occasionally but find creepy on the low. If you use hello, she is guaranteed to ignore your ass a few times. You use hello when you are following another guide, not this one. Now that you have internet buzz, you have to radiate that We Ride Septa steez.
Step six: Cut right to the chase cuh. If she's going to be your e-smut than there really cannot be any beating around the bush. After she responds to your opening line, have a chat about school, work, whatever. Once that has been done you let her know that you expect her to join all of your groups, make you fan signs, like your pictures, and like your statuses. If she says no, than she is not an e-ho. Start again from Part one. But if she says yes than we have served you well. Congratulations cuh, you are officially gettin them e-ho's all crazy.
Technically you should be done. But there are always those who have to play on the far side of the park, these next few steps are for you. If you're really trying to make this girl your girl in real life than carry on. But be forewarned and we say this in all seriousness, you are wasting your time. Nothing lasts forever, your e-ho is guaranteed to cheat on your ass at least once, and you are guaranteed to cheat on her at least three times. Take our word for it, don't even bother with statistics.
Come on cuh. You're still reading? You're really trying to wife her, marry her? Here's a statistic for you. The leading cause of divorce is marraige. But if you wish to waste months of your life, this next part is for you.
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Part Three: The enormous waste of time that is also known as establishing a good friendship that will unfortunately, probably, lead into a Relationship.
You are selling your soul by doing this, you know that right? Say goodbye to freedom, say goodbye to callous statuses like "I'm into having sex, I'm not into making love.", say goodbye to your money, say goodbye love from other random e-ho's. You're willing to give it all up? Girls who have followed this guide in reverse, this goes for you too. You are actually about to give up your life. Say goodbye to your friends and family now.
But cuh, it's not too late to exit out this page and go to a lesser blog, go, read something somewhere else that has already been done a thousand times. No? You'd like to stay and see what we have to say even if you have no intentions of actually following it? What? You said you'd rather do that than read something else? Oh, ok.
We're smiling and, it does add to the collective ego that makes WRS. But know that we do not want you to actually want you to follow the next steps, we want the best for you.
Step one: After you've had a nice aim conversation that begins with a "Hi, I'm sorry for adding you, you just stood out so much that I couldn't stop myself.", your e-ho (We'll try to stop calling her that) will probably write something along the lines of lol, even though she isn't actually. In all honesty she probably barely chuckled. But that's ok, everyone does it. After this pretend as if you're talking to customer service. Be very slow and deliberate, she might not understand you. State your intentions, tell her about something you and that mutual friend plan on doing (you haven't run this by him yet but, you will), invite her. If she says yes, than you're in. If she says no, than there is nothing that we can do for you.
Actually if she says no, this reaffirms what we said earlier about wasting your time, it's bound to happen. But, if she somehow said yes than carry on.
Step two: Once you've finally got her out you have to find a way to ditch your mutual friend. Setting up something with him beforehand is ideal, pay a nigga off if you must.
Step three: Now that you have her all alone, you have to take her shopping. Wait, no. Take yourself shopping, and buy her something. This is good because it will show her that you're not afraid to spend a little bit of money. She doesn't have to know that everything you've bought for yourself you plan on returning later
Step four: Once she has been Wowwed by your spending skills, take her out to eat. Preferably to Sushi. Why? Because every female likes sushi, and if Nya says that it is true, than it is. Before you go out for the sushi watch an online tutorial on how to eat with chopsticks so that you don't end up looking like a douche. There's a good chance that she doesn't know how to eat with chop sticks either, so teach her.
Step five: Talk about things and people on facebook. Make witty commentary on how no one truly cares what rap song or car one would be if they were not a living, breathing, human being and, about how it goes against good english to be a fan of "I love summer". Also, be sure to make observations about life in general. I'll give you a few to start; five pocket jeans really only have four and a half pockets, Dr. Dre isn't really licensed to do anything, how people who say ard instead of alright also tend to dress the same and act the same, and anything else remotely funny that comes to mind. By this point she will be thinking "Oh, so cool, so witty. I've been looking for this nigga my whole life.". You can't read her thoughts, just trust us, she's thinking it. In fact, whenever you look into her eyes she's thinking of ways to get you into her bedroom. Yup.
Step six: Once you get home, mark your territory. Hook the webcam up, log into facebook (where you're guaranteed to have at least 47 little red notifications just because you have buzz now), and go to her page. This is the hardest part, you're going to have to sing her a love song. One that isn't too deep and intimate, but gets the point across and doesn't make you look like a fool. Actually, choose a rap song, with a nice melodic chorus. We like "Shake that ass bitch" by Booty Bass. Don't look at the lyrics before you do it, just do it. After singing and incorporating a slight shoulder bob, cut the music off and say "I had fun today babe, let's do it again sometime".
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That is all the help we can give you. If you can't get the girl after following this guide, than you probably are not meant to be dating or e-smutting anyone. Every single piece of advice that we have given you is full-proof and we would know, we tried everything ourselves. Nya and Hezekiah got buzz and e-ho's,trust.
Mr. Adedoyin will give you a log of his e-ho accomplishments very, very soon.
4 comments:
*applause*
*golf clap* cometainment to the pow3r of 7. i fuck wit it,,lol
I loved this!
I loved this!
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